Thursday, March 10, 2011

Instant Jack Rabid Record Review


"________________ (band name) are back with ______________ (album name), their _____ th release and first since a) 2002 b) 2003 c) 2006 (pick one), which has them poised to re-claim their throne as the a) darlings of UK post-punk b) premier over-40 U.S. punk band (pick one). Very few bands can sound just like a) the Wipers b) Joy Division c) Orange Juice (pick one) and pull it off with such a) giddy b) sweaty c) fuzzy d) punkish (pick one) excitement these days, making ____________ (album name) their a) defiant statement of purpose b) triumphant return to form c) most mature effort to date (pick one), one that is bound to please their many legions of fans, both new and old. Leading off with _____________ (song name) all the way through _____________ (song name), ______________ (band name) have captured all the ___________ (generic description) inherent in ______________ (made-up genre name) and have made it their own. Throughout _______________ (album name), _____________ (band name) prove that they haven't lost a single step, and in fact are a) getting even better b) finding new ways to reinvent themselves c) exploring new sonic territories d) adding fresh ingredients to their musical stew (pick one), an accomplishment that will give anyone who a) buys this record b) hears this record c) vaguely remembers a single thing about this band (pick one) something to cheer about. And cheer you will, because it's that good."

34 comments:

Holly said...

This is hilarious. Thanks!

Brushback said...

Thank God for Border's bankruptcy clearance sale, so I'm only out two bucks

Chris said...

There's two bookstore chains here in New Zealand going under. Borders is one. Like Starbucks, McDonald's, Tower Records and Subway...they never should have come here. Oh wait, Tower didn't.

Brushback said...

Tower used to carry my zine (Brushback) back in the '90s... I don't think they survived even halfway through the last decade, though.

Anonymous said...

Henry Owings you ain't. Try again, sir!

Brushback said...

Like you would know. Take your guesses somewhere else.

Anonymous said...

ooooh an asshole hXc punk dude from Connecticut---why, i've never heard of such a thing!

Jack Rabid > you.

Brushback said...

Whoops - here comes the Jack Rabid army, ready to defend what's mediocre.

Holly said...

Even more fun - fight! fight! ;-)
My money's on hxc (?!) punk dude.
Cuz I'm an x-connecticut punk dudette.

spavid said...

Hey, I write for this rag bitch.

Anonymous said...

so, i look forward to the Brushback 30th Anniversary party. Should be a good time!! Three decades of quality writing....


Oh, wait...sorry....


maybe the next one will take off?

Holly said...

hi spavid -

about you:

"This blog is dedicated to the freaks and rejects. The lonely and awkward. The last picked. Never picked. The hopeless romantic dreamers. We wouldn't fit in the box they made for us. So much the better for it is a coffin. Don't be bullied. Don't give up. Stay free.

Brushback said...

Oh no, Spavid, she got you with your own words! Jeffen writes for The Big Takeover, too. I figured you guys would razz me for it.

As for that other guy "three decades of quality writing" does not describe The Big Takeover. Mediocre bands and mediocre writing at best. But all I'm doing is gently chiding the guy, I'm not trying to blow up the whole world here.

"HxC dude" -- is that really me?

spavid said...

Yep, and this ain't the only razzin' yer gonna git. I sent a link to Jack (luckily he has a great sense of humor. Can't wait to get his response.

Brushback said...

Oh noes! I'm being flushed out of hiding!

Luckily I've never posted any unauthorized downloads of Springhouse records

jack said...

________ (writer name) is back with a) giddy b) sweaty c) fuzzy d) punkish (pick one) delight at being so cleverly and uniquely chided with such a) defiant statement of purpose b) triumphant return to form c) most mature effort to date (pick one), one that is bound to please my many legions of detractors, both new and old, that it proves beyond all doubt that a blogger who sadly has never posted unathorized downloads of Springhouse records (which is utterly a shame and not to any credit, methinks), has proved that he or she or it hasn't lost a single step in the remarkably fresh journalistic stew of supremely brilliant, cutting-edge, postmodern, holistic and solipsistic slagging! I'm cheering because it's so good! Such accomplishment is bound to reclaim the throne of meaningless but infinitely erudite time-wasting in the exalted levels of determining which rock n roll bands that no one has ever heard of are in fact completely pointless and meritless and which, to our infinitely good sense and taste are in fact, worth a shrugged plug. I'd say more, but I have another 472 reviews to compose in the next 90 minutes of groups that don't actually exist (that's too hard--i just make them all up, including their fictional discographies and their legions of fans who also don't exist!) using this new, handy, dandy Mad Libs instant review form--which has really made my previously unhappy and miserable life of trying to describe music and musicians so much more convenient and easy! But one question remains; how does one throw a blog in a wastebasket? Need one print it out first? Or would that be really un-green? I'm confused. But then again I am old, so it's to be expected. I'm also deaf. And a monkey types my copy, which is in fact ghostridden, oops, i mean ghostwritten, anyway, by a ghost. Yours in showbiz! Thanks for the shoutout, sure made my day! I needed a good laugh.--Jack Rabid P.S. Sorry I ran out of made up genre names. How about yawnscrit? dullsblurb? post-punk-junk-funky-handwringing?

Brushback said...

This blog comes to you from a wastebasket, so that part's already been done for you.

jeffen said...

If there's gonna be music nerd smackdown then I gotta get stick my nose in...

Jack's reviews in the Trouser Press saved it from it's irritating anti-hardcore bias and thus had a long-lasting effect on my writing (sorry if that doesn't amount to much of a compliment!)

That said, these sort of fill-in-the-blank things are usually reliably amusing (someone did an make your own Mykel Board column in MRR many years ago that was hilarious) and I both chuckled and feared the same thing being done to me.


But when it comes right down to it, you and Jack are both just as cute as a dump-truck full of buttons.

Brushback said...

Interesting that you would point out the Trouser Press thing, since I still remember an interview that Ira Robbins gave many many years ago where he said his one regret with the magazine was maybe not supporting the then-breaking American hardcore scene as much as he could've. Trouser Press (the mag) would've had a whole new life if it had. It's obvious now that the early U.S. hardcore stuff deserved a lot more respect than it actually got when it was still on the ground.

A fill-in-the-blanks for Mykel Board, yeah, I didn't see that one, but I'm sure there was plenty to choose from when they were putting it together.

MIke Brandon said...

Mediocre?


just this blog.

Brushback said...

Stunning jab, Internet Crusader.

MIke Brandon said...

knew you'd post back- you couldn't resist.

let;s see your contributions to music, and the world at large.

please. pleaaaaase.

what is stunning? is how pathetic you and all of this is.

Brushback said...

Don't flatter yourself. It's my blog, so of course I'm going to respond back to comments.

Maybe your next comment will rise above the million generic "let's see the song you wrote or the thing that you made, you're just jealous" type comments that have been left on blogs since the beginning of the internet.

PB said...

Holy smokes. That is hilarious.

However, you recently complained I don't write anymore. The prospect of a similar Brushback smackdown has made it even more intimidating.

Gerard Cosloy said...

"let's see your contributions to music"

are we to understand that Jack's contributions to music (cough) give him more of a right to pass judgement? In the future should all restaurant reviews should be limited to world class chefs? all film criticism restricted to acclaimed directors?

Brushback his history as a blogger and zine editor is out there for anyone to investigate. That he has neither the name recognition or circulation of Rabid is no more reflection on the quality of his work than Taylor Swift being many times more popular than The Chameleons.

There's no greater testament to Jack Rabid's status as a rock institution than his being satirized in this fashion. That such a mild gag results in such outrage either illustrates just how beloved he is...or that his acolytes are total numbskulls. Maybe a little bit of both. Should _any_ writer/editor/publisher be treated as though they're above reproach? If the same deference were extended to others (musicians, bloggers, etc.) there'd be little motive to innovate, excel or provoke.

There's a world of difference between a character assassination and a critical evisceration.

Brushback said...

Standard "who are you?"-type comments convey this attitude that anyone who isn't "annointed" shouldn't be allowed to write anything or even try anything, which is a totally fucked-up mindset.

Guys like "MIke Brandon" seem to want everyone to just sit frightened on their hands and not do anything, unless it can be proven beforehand that it'll be really "popular" I guess. That's kind of a boring way to go through life.

Anonymous said...

IT HAD TO BE DONE! Unless the the little bald guy from "Intervention" was available to say: "hey man, these people love you like crazy but they're worries they're loosing you to name-drops and mediocrity and want to fight to get you back, blah, blah, blah..." - but he was booked. So, a photo it is. I salute you BB.
(but now you will NEVER know what Pernice Bros. to look out for.)

Brushback said...

Jeez, someone always has to go and spoil my fun.

Anonymous said...

This is so awesome! Jack Rabid is the fucking man! Nothing escapes Google news alerts!

Brushback said...

You have "Jack Rabid" on your Google Alert?? Why???

I mean, it's not like he's Ben Weasel, punching people.

jack said...

Actually, I flew all the way to Chicago yesterday just to punch Ben Weasel, but when I hit him, he said he wouldn't hit me back because I wasn't a girl. So I didn't get any coverage from Jim and Greg, or the L.A. Times guy. Bummer! I'll have to think of something else to get on Google Alert... Maybe I can push Charlie Sheen down the stairs? (P.S. Gerard, my old friend, of course I am "beyond reproach." I asked my mom and she confirmed it.)

Brushback said...

"he said he wouldn't hit me back because I wasn't a girl"

Ha ha!

Now playing - New Reagans, "The Thai Food That Pop Punk Bought"

Brushback said...

This guy does everything wrong-- go back and compare it word for word with the one I wrote above:

"Supposedly breaking up a few years ago, The Holy Mountain left a legacy of some very crushing and crucial Motorhead-esque D-beat punk rock. Well, nothing stays dead for long, because the guys are back with new album on punk-as-fuck label No Idea and a renewed sense of purpose. The band has not lost one single step, and in some ways have added a few interesting twists and turns to their sound. Which is a very good thing — sometimes in this subgenre the music can get a little “same-y,” but luckily for The Holy Mountain they manage to keep the punk flame burning while putting themselves a little bit ahead of the Pabst drinking, basement show-going pack. Longtime fans and newbies should rejoice and at this newest record."

(from some crappy on-line magazine, 5/4/11)

Brushback said...

Besides not catching and changing all of the grammatical mistakes, I left out the review's other paragraph where he refers to the band's music as a "brew".

http://www.verbicidemagazine.com/2011/05/04/the-holy-mountain-–-here-is-no-exit/